II. FEARS

THE LOS ANGELES ZOO

This is great, babe.

Woo hoo, the zoo!

Wide, stroller-friendly paths.

So lush and pretty.

Not only that, it’s green. Now that we’re members, you can come here every day if you want to.

I'll work out by uber-strollering the wide, stroller-friendly paths.

Park him in front of the waterfall and take a break.

Nurse him on those discreet benches!

When he’s older, you can take him to the playground.

Woo hoo!

Look at those mountain gorillas. They look like small, intense weird people.

Oh my god.

What?

Nothing.

What???

What if the Big One hits right now and the gorillas escape.

Huh.

Or chimpanzees. Remember what those rogue chimps did to that guy?

That guy in the newspaper?

They beat the shit out of him.

Babe, the zoo must have a plan for emergencies.

You can’t plan for an 8.0 death-quake. Everything gets out. What if the lions escape?

Babe—

We should have brought cowbells.

Why?

Don’t they scare off grizzly bears?

Um—

We’d have to head for the nearest personnel building. Where’s the nearest personnel building around here?

I think that’s one.

Where?

Over there—in back of the rhinoceros pen.

Okay, at every exhibit we need to pinpoint the closest personnel building. We have to think ahead! What if the doors are locked to the personnel buildings??? We’ll bust in. I can bring a crowbar next time we come here, tuck it in the bottom of the stroller.

Look, babe—if there’s a temblor, the animals are going to be freaked out. They won’t want to leave their cages.

Excuse me, Daktari?

Man, I loved that series. What happened to that series? Remember those zebra striped vehicles they zoomed around in? Who played Daktari?

Marshall Thompson. Remember Erin Moran from "Happy Days"? She was the orphan on the show. I soooooo wanted to be her. Listen—if there’s a temblor everyone is going to freak out and run. Including the chimps.

No chimp is touching our boy!

And lions. And gorillas. Everyone is going to eat everyone. Like in "Jurassic Park".

Dammit. Why didn’t we bring a crowbar? Or a bb gun. Where can we buy a bb gun?

I don't know. Rite Aid?

There’s a personnel building. Another one over there.

Okay, okay, that’s great. Good eye, good eye. How long have we been here?

Five minutes.

Oh.

Babe.

What?

That leader gorilla’s looking at him.

Are we irresponsible parents for bringing him to the zoo? In earthquake country?

Maybe.

But we can’t stay in the condo all day!

I know, babe. I know.

(mutual sighs)

I am totally freaked out right now.

Me too.

Let’s go show him the flamingoes. They’re near the exit.

Okay.

LONG BEACH AQUARIUM OF THE PACIFIC

Okay, so if the Big One hits, what’s the plan?

We dash for that Emergency Exit.

And if the Exit is locked?

We use the crowbar.

And then?

We hightail it for the Queen Mary instead of our minivan because we won’t be able to get out of the parking structure as it will either have collapsed and crushed our minivan, or everyone will be trying to get their minivans out and we’ll be trapped in gridlock when the aftershocks hit, at which time the parking structure will most certainly collapse.

How do we get to the Queen Mary?

We highjack a couple of people movers and zoom over there.

Why the Queen Mary?

Because it’s big and old and has survived a lot and will hopefully stay afloat when the tsunami hits.

And if the Queen Mary tips upside down?

We head for the boiler room as soon as we get on board so that when the tsunami tips the Queen Mary upside down we’re already at the bottom of the boat, therefore the top of the boat and they can hear us pounding on the hull and will drill us out of there in nothing flat.

Or?

The Queen Mary will surf the tsunami to the Hilton and we’ll get out there.

Perfect. Wait a minute!

What?

Does the aquarium have an aqua-sub?

Let’s ask! We’re members. They’ll have to show it to us.

But—what if it’s a one-person sub? One-person and a baby?

I’ll go with him.

Why you?

Hello? Because I have the spigots. And also because I'm his mother.

(big sigh)

Okay.

But we’ll meet you at the Queen Mary right after the tsunami.

Don't forget the drill. I'll be knocking.

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