WITH MY HUSBAND
LOS ANGELES ZOO
This is great, babe.
Woo hoo, the zoo!
Wide, stroller-friendly paths.
So lush and pretty.
Not only that, it’s green. Now that we’re members,
you can come here every day
I'll work out by uber-strollering the wide,
Park him in front of the waterfall and take a break.
Nurse him on those discreet benches!
When he’s older, you can take him to the playground.
Look at those mountain gorillas. They look like
intense weird people.
Oh my god.
What if the Big One hits right now and the gorillas
Or chimpanzees. Remember what those rogue chimps did
That guy in the newspaper?
They beat the shit out of him.
Babe, the zoo must have a plan for emergencies.
You can’t plan for an 8.0 death-quake. Everything
gets out. What
if the lions escape?
We should have brought cowbells.
Don’t they scare off grizzly bears?
We’d have to head for the nearest personnel
Where’s the nearest personnel building around here?
I think that’s one.
Over there—in back of the rhinoceros pen.
Okay, at every exhibit we need to pinpoint the
personnel building. We have to think ahead! What if the doors are
locked to the
personnel buildings??? We’ll bust in. I can bring a crowbar next time
here, tuck it in the bottom of the stroller.
Look, babe—if there’s a temblor, the animals are
going to be
freaked out. They won’t want to leave their cages.
Excuse me, Daktari?
Man, I loved that series. What happened to that
Remember those zebra striped vehicles they zoomed around in? Who played
Marshall Thompson. Remember Erin Moran from "Happy
was the orphan on the show. I soooooo wanted to be her. Listen—if
there’s a temblor everyone is going to freak out
and run. Including the chimps.
No chimp is touching our boy!
And lions. And gorillas. Everyone is going to eat
Like in "Jurassic
Dammit. Why didn’t we bring a crowbar? Or a bb gun.
can we buy a bb gun?
I don't know. Rite Aid?
There’s a personnel building. Another one over there.
Okay, okay, that’s great. Good eye, good eye. How
long have we been here?
That leader gorilla’s looking at him.
Are we irresponsible parents for bringing him to the
But we can’t stay in the condo all day!
I know, babe. I know.
I am totally freaked out right now.
Let’s go show him the flamingoes. They’re near the
BEACH AQUARIUM OF THE PACIFIC
Okay, so if the Big One hits, what’s the plan?
We dash for that Emergency Exit.
And if the Exit is locked?
We use the crowbar.
We hightail it for the Queen Mary instead of our
minivan because we won’t be able
to get out of the parking structure as it will either have collapsed
crushed our minivan, or everyone will be trying to get their minivans
we’ll be trapped in gridlock when the aftershocks hit, at which time
structure will most certainly collapse.
How do we get to the Queen Mary?
We highjack a couple of people movers and zoom over
Why the Queen Mary?
Because it’s big and old and has survived a lot and
stay afloat when the tsunami hits.
And if the Queen Mary tips upside down?
We head for the boiler room as soon as we get on
board so that when the tsunami tips the Queen Mary upside down we’re
already at the
bottom of the boat, therefore the top of the boat and they can hear us
on the hull and will drill us out of there in nothing flat.
The Queen Mary will surf the tsunami to the Hilton
get out there.
Perfect. Wait a minute!
Does the aquarium have an aqua-sub?
Let’s ask! We’re members. They’ll have
to show it to us.
But—what if it’s a one-person sub? One-person and a
I’ll go with him.
Hello? Because I have the spigots. And also because
I'm his mother.
But we’ll meet you at the Queen Mary right after the
Don't forget the drill. I'll be knocking.